will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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