my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
So squirting runs in the family.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
