sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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