Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
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