sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
The cops high fived after they tackled you
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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