I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
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