So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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