it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
