Whod you bang
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
