apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Randomize
