Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
