It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
