And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
