the only muscles i have these days is kegels
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
