Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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