FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
