I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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