He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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