it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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