my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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