Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
