when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
