I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
