I am puke
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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