the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
