Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
