Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
