Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Randomize
