What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Randomize
