we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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