I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Randomize
