On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Oh man dude like 1000 to 1500 milligrams. Its gonna burn like bad though.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Randomize
