My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Randomize
