What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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