Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
