well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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