Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
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