A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I don't deserve a penis
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Randomize
