If that was your dad, he is hot
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
