it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
