I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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