I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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