Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
