At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
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