I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Randomize
