Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?