She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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