I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
