woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
This baby is an asshole
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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