You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
