There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I think I sprained my soul last night
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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