Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
