You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
