the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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