I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
