I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
You can't special order awesome
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
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