I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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