tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I'm getting married
To pizza
It's shark week go big or go home
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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