My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
