Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I sprained my soul last night
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize